state of self

I want to join an ascetic sect; to own nothing more than a robe and a bowl. I'll accept any religion with such an order if they allow me to join, but I will not consider its tenets or scriptures - merely let them baptise me in my indifference. I don't want to be attached to anything or have an opinion on any topic; I want to become anonymous to myself and have no characteristics or ego, no tastes, eccentricies or preferences. I don't want to be anyone's tool, not even my own unwitting servant. I'd like to wither away without acknowledging my own passing. I'd like to be separate from the fruits of other people's labour - away from technology and from youth, from the industrial and from the field. Is this also a desire I should attempt to shed, to annul? I had hope that simply by doing nothing, chaos would spin me and push me towards different things, if not better things, and I see that it hasn't happen, and can't - there are no better things. So, I wish to withdraw. Can this wish be granted, in these modern times, without resorting to death? I believe it can be, by total self-denial - I want to achieve my own state of limbo and not the violent, public one expected of me.

Often I trick myself into believing that this is what I am achieving simply by bombarding myself with noise or tricking myself into hypnosis with a monitor, but I know that this is the opposite of what I wish for - sensory overload is cheap and easy to attain. Give me total silence.

Diogenes was lucky to have lived so many centuries ago.